10 LIFE LESSONS TO EXCEL IN YOUR 30S
Acouple weeks ago I turned 30. Leading up to my birthday I wrote a post on what I learned in my 20s.
But I did something else.The idea was that I would crowd source the life experience from my older readership.
1. START SAVING FOR RETIREMENT NOW, NOT LATER
“I
spent my 20s recklessly, but your 30s should be when you make a big
financial push. Retirement planning is not something to put off.
Understanding boring things like insurance, 401ks & mortgages is
important since its all on your shoulders now. Educate yourself.” (Kash, 41)
The most common piece of advice — so common that almost every single email said at least something about it — was to start getting your financial house in order and to start saving for retirement… today.
There were a few categories this advice fell into:
- Make it your top priority to pay down all of your debt as soon as possible.
- Keep an “emergency fund” — there were tons of horror stories about people getting financially ruined by health issues, lawsuits, divorces, bad business deals, etc.
- Stash away a portion of every paycheck, preferably into a 401k, an IRA or at the least, a savings account.
- Don’t spend frivolously. Don’t buy a home unless you can afford to get a good mortgage with good rates.
- Don’t invest in anything you don’t understand. Don’t trust stockbrokers.
One
reader said, “If you are in debt more than 10% of your gross annual
salary this is a huge red flag. Quit spending, pay off your debt and
start saving.” Another wrote, “I would have saved more money in an
emergency fund because unexpected expenses really killed my budget. I
would have been more diligent about a retirement fund, because now mine
looks pretty small.”
And
then there were the readers who were just completely screwed by their
inability to save in their 30s. One reader named Jodi wishes she had
started saving 10% of every paycheck when she was 30. Her career took a
turn for the worst and now she’s stuck at 57, still living paycheck to
paycheck. Another woman, age 62, didn’t save because her husband
out-earned her. They later got divorced and she soon ran into health
problems, draining all of the money she received in the divorce
settlement. She, too, now lives paycheck to paycheck, slowly waiting for
the day social security kicks in. Another man related a story of having
to be supported by his son because he didn’t save and unexpectedly lost
his job in the 2008 crash.
The
point was clear: save early and save as much as possible. One woman
emailed me saying that she had worked low-wage jobs with two kids in her
30s and still managed to sock away some money in a retirement fund each
year. Because she started early and invested wisely, she is now in her
50s and financially stable for the first time in her life. Her point:
it’s always possible. You just have to do it.
2. START TAKING CARE OF YOUR HEALTH NOW, NOT LATER
“Your
mind’s acceptance of age is 10 to 15 years behind your body’s aging.
Your health will go faster than you think but it will be very hard to
notice, not the least because you don’t want it to happen.” (Tom, 55)
We
all know to take care of our health. We all know to eat better and
sleep better and exercise more and blah, blah, blah. But just as with
the retirement savings, the response from the older readers was loud and
unanimous: get healthy and stay healthy now.
So
many people said it that I’m not even going to bother quoting anybody
else. Their points were pretty much all the same: the way you treat your
body has a cumulative effect; it’s not that your body suddenly breaks
down one year, it’s been breaking down all along without you noticing. This is the decade to slow down that breakage.
And
this wasn’t just your typical motherly advice to eat your veggies.
These were emails from cancer survivors, heart attack survivors, stroke
survivors, people with diabetes and blood pressure problems, joint
issues and chronic pain. They all said the same thing: “If I could go
back, I would start eating better and exercising and I would not stop. I
made excuses then. But I had no idea.”
3. DON’T SPEND TIME WITH PEOPLE WHO DON’T TREAT YOU WELL
“Learn how to say “no” to people, activities and obligations that don’t bring value to your life.” (Hayley, 37)
After
calls to take care of your health and your finances, the most common
piece of advice from people looking back at their 30-year-old selves was
an interesting one: they would go back and enforce stronger
boundaries in their lives and dedicate their time to better people.
“Setting healthy boundaries is one of the most loving things you can do
for yourself or another person.” (Kristen, 43)
What does that mean specifically?
“Don’t
tolerate people who don’t treat you well. Period. Don’t tolerate them
for financial reasons. Don’t tolerate them for emotional reasons. Don’t
tolerate them for the children’s sake or for convenience sake.” (Jane,
52)
“Don’t settle for mediocre friends, jobs, love, relationships and life.” (Sean, 43)
“Stay away from miserable people… they will consume you, drain you.” (Gabriella, 43)
“Surround
yourself and only date people that make you a better version of
yourself, that bring out your best parts, love and accept you.” (Xochie)
People
typically struggle with boundaries because they find it difficult to
hurt someone else’s feelings, or they get caught up in the desire to
change the other person or make them treat them the way they want to be
treated. This never works. And in fact, it often makes it worse. As one
reader wisely said, “Selfishness and self-interest are two different
things. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.”
When
we’re in our 20s, the world is so open to opportunity and we’re so
short on experience that we cling to the people we meet, even if they’ve
done nothing to earn our clingage. But by our 30s we’ve learned that
good relationships are hard to come by, that there’s no shortage of
people to meet and friends to be made, and that there’s no reason to
waste our time with people who don’t help us on our life’s path.
4. BE GOOD TO THE PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT
“Show up with and for your friends. You matter, and your presence matters.” (Jessica, 40)
Conversely,
while enforcing stricter boundaries on who we let into our lives, many
readers advised to make the time for those friends and family that we do
decide to keep close.
“I
think sometimes I may have taken some relationships for granted, and
when that person is gone, they’re gone. Unfortunately, the older you
get, well, things start to happen, and it will affect those closest to
you.” (Ed, 45)
“Appreciate those close to you. You can get money back and jobs back, but you can never get time back.” (Anne, 41)
“Tragedy
happens in everyone’s life, everyone’s circle of family and friends. Be
the person that others can count on when it does. I think that between
30 and 40 is the decade when a lot of shit finally starts to happen that
you might have thought never would happen to you or those you love.
Parents die, spouses die, babies are still-born, friends get divorced,
spouses cheat… the list goes on and on. Helping someone through these
times by simply being there, listening and not judging is an honor and
will deepen your relationships in ways you probably can’t yet imagine.”
(Rebecca, 40)
5. YOU CAN’T HAVE EVERYTHING; FOCUS ON DOING A FEW THINGS REALLY WELL
“Everything in life is a trade-off. You give up one thing to get another and you can’t have it all. Accept that.” (Eldri, 60)
In
our 20s we have a lot of dreams. We believe that we have all of the
time in the world. I myself remember having illusions that my website
would be my first career of many. Little did I know that it took the
better part of a decade to even get competent at this. And now that I’m
competent and have a major advantage and love what I do, why would I
ever trade that in for another career?
“In
a word: focus. You can simply get more done in life if you focus on one
thing and do it really well. Focus more.” (Ericson, 49)
Another
reader: “I would tell myself to focus on one or two
goals/aspirations/dreams and really work towards them. Don’t get
distracted.” And another: “You have to accept that you cannot do
everything. It takes a lot of sacrifice to achieve anything special in
life.”
A
few readers noted that most people arbitrarily choose their careers in
their late teens or early 20s, and as with many of our choices at those
ages, they are often wrong choices. It takes years to figure out what
we’re good at and what we enjoy doing. But it’s better to focus on our
primary strengths and maximize them over the course of lifetime than to
half-ass something else.
“I’d
tell my 30 year old self to set aside what other people think and
identify my natural strengths and what I’m passionate about, and then
build a life around those.” (Sara, 58)
For
some people, this will mean taking big risks, even in their 30s and
beyond. It may mean ditching a career they spent a decade building and
giving up money they worked hard for and became accustomed to. Which
brings us to…
6. DON’T BE AFRAID OF TAKING RISKS, YOU CAN STILL CHANGE
“While
by age 30 most feel they should have their career dialed in, it is
never too late to reset. The individuals that I have seen with the
biggest regrets during this decade are those that stay in something that
they know is not right. It is such an easy decade to have the days turn
to weeks to years, only to wake up at 40 with a mid-life crisis for not
taking action on a problem they were aware of 10 years prior but failed
to act.” (Richard, 41)
“Biggest regrets I have are almost exclusively things I did *not* do.” (Sam, 47)
Many
readers commented on how society tells us that by 30 we should have
things “figured out” — our career situation, our dating/marriage
situation, our financial situation and so on. But this isn’t true. And,
in fact, dozens and dozens of readers implored to not let these social
expectations of “being an adult” deter you from taking some major risks
and starting over. As someone on my Facebook page responded: “All adults
are winging it.”
“I
am about to turn 41 and would tell my 30 year old self that you do not
have to conform your life to an ideal that you do not believe in. Live
your life, don’t let it live you. Don’t be afraid of tearing it all down
if you have to, you have the power to build it all back up again.”
(Lisa, 41)
Multiple
readers related making major career changes in their 30s and being
better off for doing so. One left a lucrative job as a military engineer
to become a teacher. Twenty years later, he called it one of the best
decisions of his life. When I asked my mom this question, her answer
was, “I wish I had been willing to think outside the box a bit more.
Your dad and I kind of figured we had to do thing A, thing B, thing C,
but looking back I realize we didn’t have to at all; we were very narrow
in our thinking and our lifestyles and I kind of regret that.”
“Less
fear. Less fear. Less fear. I am about to turn 50 next year, and I am
just getting that lesson. Fear was such a detrimental driving force in
my life at 30. It impacted my marriage, my career, my self-image in a
fiercely negative manner. I was guilty of: Assuming conversations that
others might be having about me. Thinking that I might fail. Wondering what the outcome might be. If I could do it again, I would have risked more.” (Aida, 49)
7. YOU MUST CONTINUE TO GROW AND DEVELOP YOURSELF
“You
have two assets that you can never get back once you’ve lost them: your
body and your mind. Most people stop growing and working on themselves
in their 20s. Most people in their 30s are too busy to worry about
self-improvement. But if you’re one of the few who continues to educate
themselves, evolve their thinking and take care of their mental and
physical health, you will be light-years ahead of the pack by 40.” (Stan, 48)
It follows that if one can still change in their 30s — and should continue
to change in their 30s — then one must continue to work to improve and
grow. Many readers related the choice of going back to school and
getting their degrees in their 30s as one of the most useful things they
had ever done. Others talked of taking extra seminars and courses to
get a leg up. Others started their first businesses or moved to new
countries. Others checked themselves into therapy or began
a meditation practice.
As
Warren Buffett once said, the greatest investment a young person can
make is in their own education, in their own mind. Because money comes
and goes. Relationships come and go. But what you learn once stays with
you forever.
“The
number one goal should be to try to become a better person, partner,
parent, friend, colleague etc. — in other words to grow as an
individual.” (Aimilia, 39)
8. NOBODY (STILL) KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING, GET USED TO IT
“Unless
you are already dead — mentally, emotionally, and socially — you cannot
anticipate your life 5 years into the future. It will not develop as
you expect. So just stop it. Stop assuming you can plan far ahead, stop
obsessing about what is happening right now because it will change
anyway, and get over the control issue about your life’s direction.
Fortunately, because this is true, you can take even more chances and
not lose anything; you cannot lose what you never had. Besides, most
feelings of loss are in your mind anyway – few matter in the long term.”(Thomas, 56)
In
my article about what I learned in my 20s, one of my lessons was
“Nobody Knows What They’re Doing,” and that this was good news. Well,
according to the 40+ crowd, this continues to be true in one’s 30s and,
well, forever it seems; and it continues to be good news forever as
well.
“Most
of what you think is important now will seem unimportant in 10 or 20
years and that’s OK. That’s called growth. Just try to remember to not
take yourself so seriously all the time and be open to it.” (Simon, 57)
“Despite
feeling somewhat invincible for the last decade, you really don’t know
what’s going to happen and neither does anyone else, no matter how
confidently they talk. While this is disturbing to those who cling to
permanence or security, it’s truly liberating once you grasp the truth
that things are always changing. To finish, there might be times that
are really sad. Don’t dull the pain or avoid it. Sorrow is part of
everyone’s lifetime and the consequence of an open and passionate heart.
Honor that. Above all, be kind to yourself and others, it’s such a
brilliant and beautiful ride and keeps on getting better.” (Prue, 38)
“I’m
44. I would remind my 30 year old self that at 40, my 30s would be
equally filled with dumb stuff, different stuff, but still dumb stuff…
So, 30 year old self, don’t go getting on your high horse. You STILL
don’t know it all. And that’s a good thing.” (Shirley, 44)
9. INVEST IN YOUR FAMILY; IT’S WORTH IT
“Spend
more time with your folks. It’s a different relationship when you’re an
adult and it’s up to you how you redefine your interactions. They are
always going to see you as their kid until the moment you can make them
see you as your own man. Everyone gets old. Everyone dies. Take
advantage of the time you have left to set things right and enjoy your
family.” (Kash, 41)
I
was overwhelmed with amount of responses about family and the power of
those responses. Family is the big new relevant topic for this decade
for me, because you get it on both ends. Your parents are old and you
need to start considering how your relationship with them is going to
function as a self-sufficient adult. And then you also need to
contemplate creating a family of your own.
Pretty
much everybody agreed to get over whatever problems you have with your
parents and find a way to make it work with them. One reader wrote,
“You’re too old to blame your parents for any of your own short-comings
now. At 20 you could get away with it, you’d just left the house. At 30,
you’re a grown-up. Seriously. Move on.”
But then there’s the question that plagues every single 30-year-old: to baby or not to baby?
“You
don’t have the time. You don’t have the money. You need to perfect your
career first. They’ll end your life as you know it. Oh shut up… Kids
are great. They make you better in every way. They push you to your
limits. They make you happy. You should not defer having kids. If you
are 30, now is the time to get real about this. You will never regret
it.” (Kevin, 38)
“It’s
never the ‘right time’ for children because you have no idea what
you’re getting into until you have one. If you have a good marriage and
environment to raise them, err on having them earlier rather than later,
you’ll get to enjoy more of them.” (Cindy, 45)
“All
my preconceived notions about what a married life is like were wrong.
Unless you’ve already been married, everyone’s are. Especially once you
have kids. Try to stay open to the experience and fluid as a person;
your marriage is worth it, and your happiness seems as much tied to your
ability to change and adapt as anything else. I wasn’t planning on
having kids. From a purely selfish perspective, this was the dumbest
thing of all. Children are the most fulfilling, challenging, and
exhausting endeavor anyone can ever undertake. Ever.” (Rich, 44)
The
consensus about marriage seemed to be that it was worth it, assuming
you had a healthy relationship with the right person. If not, you should
run the other way (See #3).
But interestingly, I got a number of emails like the following:
“What
I know now vs 10-13 years ago is simply this… bars, woman, beaches,
drink after drink, clubs, bottle service, trips to different cities
because I had no responsibility other than work, etc… I would trade
every memory of that life for a good woman that was actually in love
with me… and maybe a family. I would add, don’t forget to actually grow
up and start a family and take on responsibilities other than success at
work. I am still having a little bit of fun… but sometimes when I go
out, I feel like the guy that kept coming back to high school after he
graduated (think Matthew McConaughey’s character in Dazed and Confused).
I see people in love and on dates everywhere. “Everyone” my age is in
their first or second marriage by now! Being perpetually single sounds
amazing to all of my married friends but it is not the way one should
choose to live their life.” (Anonymous, 43)
“I
would have told myself to stop constantly searching for the next best
thing and I would have appreciated the relationships that I had with
some of the good, genuine guys that truly cared for me. Now I’m always
alone and it feels too late.” (Fara, 38)
On the flip side, there were a small handful of emails that took the other side of the coin:
“Don’t
feel pressured to get married or have kids if you don’t want to. What
makes one person happy doesn’t make everyone happy. I’ve chosen to stay
single and childless and I still live a happy and fulfilled life. Do
what feels right for you.” (Anonymous, 40)
Conclusion:
It seems that while family is not absolutely necessary to have a happy
and fulfilling life, the majority of people have found that family is
always worth the investment, assuming the relationships are healthy and
not toxic and/or abusive.
10. BE KIND TO YOURSELF, RESPECT YOURSELF
“Be
a little selfish and do something for yourself every day, something
different once a month and something spectacular every year.” (Nancy, 60)
This
one was rarely the central focus of any email, but it was present in
some capacity in almost all of them: treat yourself better. Almost
everybody said this in one form or another. “There is no one who cares
about or thinks about your life a fraction of what you do,” one reader
began, and, “life is hard, so learn to love yourself now, it’s harder to
learn later,” another reader finished.
Or as Renee, 40, succinctly put it: “Be kind to yourself.”
Many
readers included the old cliche: “Don’t sweat the small stuff; and it’s
almost all small stuff.” Eldri, 60, wisely said, “When confronted with a
perceived problem, ask yourself, ‘Is this going to matter in five
years, ten years?’ If not, dwell on it for a few minutes, then let it
go.” It seems many readers have focused on the subtle life lesson of
simply accepting life as is, warts and all.
Which brings me to the last quote from Martin, age 58:
“When
I turned forty my father told me that I’d enjoy my forties because in
your twenties you think you know what’s going on, in your thirties you
realize you probably don’t, and in your forties you can relax and just
accept things. I’m 58 and he was right.”
Thank you to everyone who contributed.
Post a Comment